I've actually cared to forgive, believe me or not. I mean, I've been wanting to forgive and I had actually forgiven them but not fully because... yes it hurts a lot how can I forgive and forget. That's for strong people. I, sadly, am nowhere near strong. Am not. And when I say I'm overly sensitive I didn't lie a bit. The "over" part was real. Everything everyone said to me sticks in my mind. Of course, I didn't bother to show it and would rather put a curve on my lips because it helps. People will stop asking. The last thing I needed is people bombing me with tons of question I won't be able to answer. Because I'm as clueless as they are and that would have complicate my life even more. Thanks but I've had enough with my current life.
It's been long since my last rant and it feels good. It's not that I don't want to tell people who are close to me but I suck at letting out my emotions remember? I'll only get on people's nerves instead of actually getting a real advice I badly need. So yeah, basically I'm just a typical teenage girl. Though I had a hard time admitting it, who am I to not accept what people say about me—because I've heard a lot from people. Even if I wanted to be different, I know I'll only be nothing but annoyance.
If people were to ask if I miss being feeling-less, what am I supposed to answer? I was never feeling-less to be honest. I was just better at hiding my emotions back then. Because, again, nobody cared to ask. And I was stronger than I am currently. Hah! That's it! I miss being strong. Being, instead of just appearing so. Probably the only reason for my changes is because I needed attention. I lacked of it.
And probably the reason I had chosen to be a pessimist is because I couldn't afford of getting my hopes high but ended up being hurt for the thousandth time. No, just no. Even with my being a pessimist I still have high hopes on literally everything, everyone. I know some might have known about this already but I'm still fighting with my own feelings right now. I'm sorry if I'm annoying but the scar is too deep, I can't help but to cry. Worse, I feel alone. Worst, it seems unstoppable, for the time being, I hope. Maybe most of you (IF, you could read this, that is) are saying "Fatihah ni entah apa apa. Allah kan ada." Of course, I've been praying to Him a lot. I need strength. I guess that's what I got, although not enough. Okay screw the part where I said I'm not strong. If I'm not I would probably commit suicide already. I'm still keeping the faith, I won't lose it.
If I could not blame you for all the things that's been happening currently, I would. But I couldn't. Because most of it happened because of what you've done to me. I was stupid, of course, to let my guard down and actually gave you chance. Heh, what chance? Sakai. I only needed to deal with one crappy-emotion problem back then. Until, you decided to jump into my life and make things go super shitty and then left as you please. Now I have to deal with two; one of them seems unsolvable. Wow. You need an award for that, bro. Seriously. How does it feel like though, ignoring people who you had once endeared? I can't tolerate people like you, nor can I tolerate myself because the statement I've just made is a lie. Even after what you did, I still like you. Now that's bodoh. Yes, bodoh, because stupid sounds nicer.
The least you could do is stop ignoring, because whatever you're intending to do is not happening. I am still holding to your words, that I could always ask for your help. I wonder if I was mental because I believed you.
Never noticed the word "still" is life-altering hahahahahahaha. Ha?......... Damn you flashbacks.
